In this experience, bipolar disorder is made up by alternating between listening to the Voice for God which unifies, and the voice of ego that separates. Listening to the Voice for God always brings ineffable joy. Listening to ego always promotes depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. When I wanted to die, it was due to the ego conception that physical death could render me oblivious to the voice for ego (that death could silence it). What I couldn’t know by listening to ego was that I had simply made a poor choice about which voice to listen to. God’s Love is Ever Present, only the ego can come and go. By always choosing the voice of the Holy Spirit over ego I could permanently return to knowing God’s Love, heal the separation, and finally begin to live Fully.
The ego isn’t good or bad – it is simply not true, and its delusions bear only pain. “At ego’s best it is suspicious, at its worst, it is vicious.” ACIM
I blamed my parents for the fact that I listened to the voice of separation and as a result suffered from bipolar depression. While listening to ego I suspected their actions as being the source for my perceived difficulties. With ego I blamed them for what happened to me as a child, and as a result, projected viciousness. In a nutshell, I turned away from Ever Present Love to blasphemy by denying God in my parents and God in myself. It was far too painful to own the fact that I had left the Kingdom of God of my own accord, so ego, doing what it does best, stepped back in at its worst to outsource the pain.
It wasn’t until I truly understood the Holy Spirit and accepted the Atonement for myself that I could know the Truth as the Same for my parents. My parents are holy; they are perfect and integral parts of the Sonship. Without them, parts of me, parts of God Himself, were known to be missing. And boy, was that painful.
I thank God for His Will, for It is Done. When I consciously turned away from blame, I returned to the Innate Innocence we all share.