Ego or God?

The following is a chronological journey from the mental illness of believing in separation from God, to the mental health of integrating the Presence of God.

Everyone on the planet is mentally ill, in the sense that the Earth and its inhabitants are perceived as if positioned outside of Heaven in order to be separate from God’s Love. Minds that believe they exist only “in a brain” are in effect “split” from God’s Mind, and therefore cannot understand the very meaning of mental health.

From a very young age, I felt uncomfortable with my body; I felt like it was a prison, and did not represent “me”, or what was aware of the body’s senses. I hated the body, and was “emo” as a pre-teen and teen, believing I could “cut away” the hatred I felt for it. As a teen I was into the idea of the occult or the supernatural; I believed there was a God, but I believed God hated me just as much as I did. I avoided religious institutions, because I would become overwhelmed with the sense that I was a sinner on the way to hell. In my twenties-thirties I got an associate’s degree in social services, and then a bachelor’s degree in social work. I worked in community services for almost a decade, and felt no joy in the work, nor any closer to being relieved of self-hatred.

In 2005, after being given the book Power vs Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior by Dr David R Hawkins, a renowned psychiatrist and enlightened speaker/lecturer, I declared, “enlightenment is my number one goal in life.” I had to know how to transcend the body; the self-hatred was near impossible to live with. I became willing to give up (almost) everything, including a career in social work, to know God.

December 2007, after a year essentially of meditation and studying of Dr Hawkins’ book I: Reality and Subjectivity, the Self was unveiled.

In February 2008 I unwittingly turned away from the Holy Spirit and back to ego, back to social work without God, and the samahdi left. By August of that year, I had a complete mental health breakdown. I was unable to continue to work in the field of social work. I stopped putting “BSW” behind my name. I eventually took up writing content for adsense revenue sharing sites.

In Sept 2008, I went to see Dr Hawkins’ for one of his satsang sessions, and started back on the road to freedom. Awareness of Self was ever present in meditation, but would seem to “leave” when the body resumed mundane activity.

In October 2009, while leaving a house fire in the middle of the night, I spontaneously left the body and joined with God in His Loving Light. All form disappeared and all that was “left” was my Pure Identity as God’s Extension of Love/Light. When bodily identification resumed, I felt utterly devastated, and had no interest in life outside of the inner Light. I wanted only God’s Pure Love, which I could “access” on my own, in solitude, but while “in the world, acting as an ego protecting a body”, I felt extreme anxiety. In 2010, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I spent several years withdrawn into myself, unable to function “in the world”, mentally or physically.

In 2013 I went through a bankruptcy and was at my lowest ego point; I was at my most “mentally ill”. I was mostly bedridden, writing about what to me were essentially meaningless topics, I wanted to die, to have the body be done, and “go Home to God”; and yet, I knew that the ego’s deepest fantasy, my suicide, was no solution, and was not the Way to God, but the way to where I was stuck. I was essentially holding onto the narcissistic core of the ego, and the belief that “God’s peace could be stolen from me, by me”.

In 2014 I decided for physical recovery, and after watching a video about juicing marijuana to get off medications, grew my own marijuana. I ate it fresh and got off of chronic doses of anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, and narcotics for pain. I decided to physically go out and get my own food. I stopped eating meat because I had no desire to kill my own food and started riding a bicycle to the produce store – at first I could only carry about $10 worth of fruit and vegetables back home.  Eventually I could cycle home with $100 worth on my bike.

2015 I did A Course In Miracles the third time, and read the text in conjunction with the workbook lessons. This time I understood how the separation had occurred, why I was “stuck in a body”, and realized I had been going back and forth between listening to the voice for ego, and the voice for God. And throughout it all, I had been holding special bodily relationships aside from Truth.

In Oct 2015 I publicly dedicated my online writing to the Holy Spirit.

Summer of 2016 the term “Spiritualized Reality Therapy” was coined, the special relationships surrendered, the BSW put back behind my name – essentially, the Presence of God became fully integrated in my life. I no longer wish to join with ego in its desire to “cancel me out” in any way from my Father’s Mind, and so I welcome all of myself, to my Father’s Love.




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