Enlightened of self-condemnation by Knowledge of Absolute Love
From a young age, I felt innately and indescribably uncomfortable with myself as only being a body. The body did not seem to wholly represent me, or that which is aware of looking out through the event horizon that the body provides. The body, and its dimensions of daily life, to me, were like straws to peer through, that framed only a small portion of existence. I felt helplessly bound to the “heavy clay garment” of the body that seemed to identify me with this small portion of existence, and I yearned to understand why. I wanted to comprehensively understand what formless Mind was, what consciousness of form was, and what the purpose of sensation was.
I would learn, through direct Knowledge that wholly transcended all experience within consciousness and was simultaneously void of, but inclusive of, consciousness of sensation as One Quality of Being, that I am One with the Soul of the universe of creating things, ever in nothing but Supreme Ecstasy in the Love I share with my Creator. I am God’s ecstasy. I am God’s Beloved Son, and I never leave my Source. I am at rest in my Father’s Love; I Am His Idea of Man, in seeming motion only, as I Make Images of what I already am, in the Stillness of my Source. My Mind is One with my Father’s in His ongoing creating; it has never been apart.
I would come to realize that through Desire in the Mind of God, the Idea of Man is manifested in form that is only seeming, and is not the Idea of it, but is its fantastic reflection only. Idea is manifested into the seeming image of it through the seeming division of God’s Mother-Father Light into “father” and “mother” lights that simulate the images of mankind, all of which are centered from within and controlled from without by God’s non-simulated Light. I would learn both Knowledgeably and experientially, though realizing and recognizing Supreme Control as Absolute Stillness, moving me only within the Stillness of it, that there is no actual separation between the simulated light of man and the Light of God, or the simulated love of man and the Love of God. It is all God’s Light, and all God’s Love – the Real, and the simulated, are one in their Creator – yet there is an integral difference between the Knowledge of what is Real, and the perception of what is Reality’s simulation. The former is true and eternal, the latter is only seeming.
As a teenager, in frustration over my ignorance, I walked the treacherous path of self-harm. I believed there was a God, but not a good God. I believed God hated me just as much as I hated me. I avoided religious institutions because I was afraid of being judged and/or condemned.
In my late twenties/early thirties, I got an associate’s degree in social services, and then a bachelor’s degree in social work. I worked in community services for almost a decade, and while I genuinely wanted to help others, I felt little joy in the work, nor did I feel any closer to being relieved of the sense of self-hatred. I felt bound to trying to alleviate a sad world wherein suffering seemed to be the lot of most, most especially mine, and there were no answers where I was looking, to be found to this suffering.
In 2005, after being given the book Power vs Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior by Dr David R Hawkins MD PhD, I declared enlightenment to be my number one goal in life. I was only 34 years old, and I had a husband and children I loved dearly, yet due to the internal battle I was fighting, I would have given my life to Know Relief. My desire for God was by far the strongest motivating factor in staying with the goal; it surpassed all other desires.
December 18, 2007, after a year essentially of meditation and of studying the third book in Dr David R Hawkins’ trilogy, Christmas came early. The Christ of the Son I am was unveiled in shining glory. Self-Awareness broke through consciousness of separation, the darkness lifted completely, and for several glorious weeks I was immersed in the Brahmajyoti of God, in a state of walking samadhi.
At one point during that period of illumination, it was as if my consciousness expanded to include a galactic view of Self as the totality of God’s Idea of Man as One Whole Creating Thing. This “view” of the eternal Idea of Man is not available through the windows of the senses, through the opinions of the ego of consciousness, or through the lenses of any of man’s inventions.
In the illuminated state, I understood that the invisible Idea of Man in the Mind of God that is eternally creative is only Knowable. This Knowledge arises through the release from Mind of incorrect belief that is based on only the visible manifestation of the Idea.
Knowledge of Source is not detectable through the senses, nor by sorting through the ego’s database of so-called facts derived through observation. Knowledge of God is not found in the empirical, but inspired by surrender of the empirical to God. The release of the empirical opens the Mind to Knowing continuing Oneness with “the Soul of the universe of creating things” that cannot be divided by frames of uninformed opinion. The release of incorrect belief transcends the limited views through windows and lenses, and opens the door for Knowledge to step through.
The Mind open to God in a state of surrender is all-Knowing. Only when one shuts the door on inner Knowledge does one seem to become unaware of one’s “place” in the Mind of God. Man’s place with God is as Beloved Co-creator. Man is eternally creative, just as the Source of the Idea of Man is; the ability to create is shared. All of the Knowledge that Man creates with is within this One Cause: Desire in the Soul of God.
While it was as if I was able to explore outer space without a space suit during this illumination, after one attempt, I didn’t drive the car anymore during this time as I felt disconnected from the visible or “life” side of life, and more in tuned with the “invisible” or “death” side of life. During my one attempt to drive, I discovered that the sensation of driving was how I imagined the sensation of hydroplaning might be. The body was not attached to the car, and I was not attached to the body. It was delightful to notice the body as nothing but free-flowing pixels that did not upset the centering Stillness within. I would comment to myself in delight that the physical body was always gently “pixelating” back into the nonlinear Self of it. This pixelating was as autonomous, and as sensation-less, as the heartbeat.
Everything and everyone was funny and beautiful and glowing as if from the inside out, absolutely powered by a nonlinear, loving energetic Source that is one with all things physical. It seemed to me like nothing alive needed an outer source of electricity. Everything seemed as if it were lit from within.
In February of 2008, quite literally filled with visions of now being able to be a “super social worker”, I returned to a high stress job in the field, and I unwittingly turned from the ecstasy of illuminated revelation back to being acutely conscious of the struggles of a seemingly disconnected-from-Source self, and the internal bliss of samadhi disappeared.
By August of that year, I’d become a star at my job, but I bottomed out. I had terrible fibromyalgia with an intense restlessness, and I felt overwhelmed by a deep mental pain that I could only seem to relieve of my own accord with solitude and meditation. I couldn’t seem to sleep properly. I couldn’t seem to relax; I couldn’t exercise. I couldn’t seem to stay hydrated. I was easily knocked off my sense of equilibrium. Life seemed like a terrible balancing act, and I had completely lost my balance. I wished that I could “leave everything” and live a traditional life of renunciation of the outside world for dedication to God within. I left BC, Canada and went to Sedona, AZ for a couple weeks in September of 2008, and I met my teacher, Dr Hawkins, in person. After two glorious weeks in Sedona wherein the samahdi fully returned, I was instructed by the Holy Spirit to return home. The higher state “left” again, shortly after my return.
Almost two years after the period of revelations that occurred in December 2007, I would realize the full meaning of the following quote from Walter Russell, as I spontaneously resumed total rest in the Ecstasy of the Supreme Stillness that is the only thing “moving” in me.
“The Realities of life are Balance, Love, Truth and the Law. These are the Qualities of Mind which you cannot see. You can only Know them. The unrealities of life you can alone see, for they cannot be Known. The Realities are Qualities of Mind at rest. The unrealities are quantities of sensed matter in motion.”
While leaving a house fire in the middle of the night on October 29, 2009, awareness briefly, but completely and absolutely, severed from noticing the field of consciousness and the senses of the body, and yet I was completely, and absolutely, Aware of my Identity and Reality as being One with the Soul of God, Alive only in the Pulse of God’s Love. I spontaneously forgot consciousness of form and the senses of the body altogether, to rest in the Absolute Awareness of God’s Love.
Existing only in the Mind of God as His Beloved Idea, I Know only all of the Qualities described in the above quote, in one continuous, rhythmic, balanced pulsation. The Life Pulse of God is qualitatively Known only. Oneness with God is Known as Oneness with Love Begetting Love, or Love Interchanging with Love in Love, in a perfectly balanced fashion that cannot be split apart, or made to be love in opposition. In this Interchange is one wholly at Rest, and completely Satisfied. To Rest in this Interchange of Love is to Know all Desire, Fulfilled.
As smoke began to fill the room, consciousness dissolved through several stages of perception; it was as if it “backtracked” through layers of apparent separation by form to impact in total (re)Union with once-veiled Formless Knowledge. I returned to my nonlinear Center, and all that was “there” was the Pure Identity of my own Self as God’s Idea, receiving His Desire for me, and returning it in kind. I absolutely knew that I am God’s Genderless ‘Son’, One with the Father of my Being, because of the ineffable two-way Gratitude that is irrevocably laced in this Interchange of Love.
The pure consciousness or Awareness of the Self is nothing but Awareness of God’s Shared Quality of Perfect Energetic Equilibrium, of Love in Balance, out of which arises through thinking to electrically displace and replace this equilibrium all apparent division and motion. I realized the Absolute Truth of the following quote from ACIM:
“At no single instant does the body exist at all”
Though the body seemed to pixelate in and out of appearance, I had never been displaced, or replaced, from Idea in God; I may appear as a separate creating thing, yet I remain as One in the Godhead as His Creative Idea only.
Consciousness, and its classrooms of experience, also had never been displaced or replaced; consciousness does not leave God’s Being, either.
Neither consciousness, nor the body, had ever been, and yet the Idea behind them was fully intact, One with the Quality of its Source. I am always only God’s pure Idea of Self, Unmanifested.
The body of man reflected on the stage of consciousness does not live; no static idea is ever actually created from the stasis of Source, but simulated by the illusion of motion within it winding and unwinding concept into and out of its desired form. The Soul of Man, One with the Soul of God as Beloved Idea, is all that lives. The Soul of God, is all that lives.
When sense identification sprang forth again from the pure Quality of Being as consciousness and the body and its sensual subjectivities pixelated back into solidity, I was absolutely devastated. I no longer wanted to identify, for even a second, with the separation by the seeming from the Supreme Rest and Satiation of the Stillness of My Soul, One with Love itself in the Ecstasy of the Still, but Wholly Alive, Light of Non-dimension that is the Kingdom of Heaven. While out in the world of flashing lights and loud sounds and fast-moving objects, I felt possessed by the anxiety of the general consciousness that seems to live in fear of stillness. It was if I was an unwilling sailor, lost at sea and seasick, and I had not yet gained my bearings nor developed my sea legs. I did not want to identify with the complexity of finding balance in the unreal world of moving effects – I wanted to wholly forget it again, for the simple, ineffably exquisite Balance of Being in Cause.
In the early spring of 2010, on an average of only about a handful of hours of sleep per day, I lay in bed one afternoon and I let go of all thoughts about the seeming responsibilities of staying present with the motion picture side of life and all of its apparent requirements. I relaxed into the Stillness. Overwhelmed by rhythmic, pulsating inner bliss that blossomed within itself to Beget more of the Same, death of the physical body seemed most welcome.
In light of my roles, I sought medical help for the insomnia I was experiencing. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I started to sleep again on high doses of seroquel, yet I felt like a zombie. I spent several years withdrawn into myself, seemingly paralyzed by anxiety and recurring physical pain. I became an extreme introvert, finding rest within only.
During 2013, I went through a bankruptcy and was at the lowest point in my life. I was mostly bedridden. I wanted to die, in order to “go home to God”; confusion about the purpose for the body intensified. I had been through an incredible experience that was beyond all experience and I had not yet come across any description quite like it, nor had I come across any information regarding how to integrate back into the world of form after a complete severing of awareness from consciousness of form. I had yet to discover the works of Walter Russell, which would clearly and concisely explain how the One Quality of God that is the only Reality and Identity there is, is eternally seemingly quantified, by “sensed matter in motion“.
In January 2014, again in light of my family’s love for me and their need in me of a wife, mother and by then, grandmother, I decided for physical recovery. I stopped eating meat (today I eat fish and eggs, but try to avoid eating animals factory-raised for slaughter) after a spontaneous unwanted effect wherein I seemingly went into the consciousness of the animal I was eating, and emotionally experienced out its terror prior to its death. I was made aware of the cruelty that animals in the meat industry are subjected to. I also quit my long-time nicotine gum chewing habit, and started chewing raw vegetables and fruits instead.
My husband and I grew and ate fresh cannabis plants, and made Rick Simpson oil from them, and I got off of what had become chronic doses of anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, and narcotics. I started riding an old bicycle to the produce store and I eventually bought myself a brand new one. At first I could only carry the weight of about $10 worth of fruit and vegetables back home. Eventually, I could cycle home with over $100 worth of produce.
Over 2015, I did A Course In Miracles (for a third time). I read the Textbook and Manual for Teachers in conjunction with doing the workbook lessons, and I realized that I had been going back and forth between listening to the noisy voice for ego and peacefully deferring to the quiet voice for God. Throughout this coaster ride, I had been holding special mind-body relationships aside from the Truth of One Relationship, and experiencing out the unwanted consequences.
In October 2015, I stopped writing for adsense revenue sharing sites, and I publicly dedicated my writing to the Voice of the Holy Spirit within.
In November 2016, I started taking blog posts from my website that were inspired by the Holy Spirit and compiling them in what would eventually form the book, “Without the idea of death”.
January 2017 was another altogether inspirational month. I’d discovered the work of Nassim Haramein the previous fall, and I’d joined the Resonance Academy. I completed their course modules on unified physics in January. During an online community break-away session that month, another delegate at the academy told me of Walter and Lao Russell’s Intimate 12 Part Home Study Course on Universal Law, Natural Science and Philosophy. I had never heard of the couple or the study course, and I was instantly, gloriously attracted to their work – like sodium is to chlorine – bam – we were the table salt we’d always been!
References to the Resonance Academy and the Russells’ work were then included in the book.