With sudden and full illumination, the after effect of not desiring to “be with the body” can be troublesome, and as Walter Russell said, “very dangerous“. I was at risk for committing suicide by the (misguided) belief that suicide could permanently return one to absolute balance.
My family kept me going; although I thought about suicide in the desire for balance, I never attempted it, out of balanced love for them. Instead, I got my pain stricken body out of bed, onto my bike, and I began to integrate back into the world with the goal to manifest the great Balanced Love of the state in the fire.
I am eternally grateful for my family and for Walter Russell, and the rest I find in reading his works, as everything he says aligns with my own nonlinear experience.
“Many people desire cosmic illumination at its fullest as the great mystics have experienced it. This rare experience is very dangerous because it is very difficult for the severed Consciousness to again function in the body by normal coordination of sensation and Consciousness.
The best way to acquire the Light is to become aware of it gradually. Seek it by desiring it. New awareness and comprehension will then slowly awaken in you as the Inner Voice awakens you through inspiration.
It is better to be gradually transformed as the whole human race marches toward the mountain top than to have it all at once and suffer the crucifixion and aloneness of being ahead of your time and waiting long, patient years in which you may not even speak of it.”
It took nine years after the state in the fire to be able to “function in the body by normal co-ordination of sensation and Consciousness“. For the bulk of those years, I was essentially physically and mentally disabled from normalcy. I would never trade the illumination for the dark; while I was disabled from normalcy in the world, I knew of the unreality of it. I forever know my Identity and Reality as being One with the Cause of God, not with the world of effects.
I could not speak of the illumination to those around me; I still cannot without getting silence in response, blank stares or outright anger that mother, or wife, is not being compliant to those roles. When I finally put it all down in my book Without the idea of death: There is only Life and began to look at publishing it, I was essentially crucified by my close family members in the attempt to disprove the title of the book and prove me a “physical body subject to death“.
Nine years later, I am functioning in alignment with normalcy. I am making connections with people locally about my book, and intend to begin public speaking about it soon. The suicidal ideation is completely gone, having been utterly exposed by its ironic lack of truth. My purpose is to share the message that there is no death; there is only life.