I am currently accepting disability payments and can’t keep a regular job because of my sleep disorder. I would love to get off disability by being self-employed as a writer and writing on my own time. I am an excellent writer and when I sit down for it with undivided attention there is no such thing as writer’s block – I could write forever! Yet I write in dribs and drabs, because I cannot sacrifice sleep in the name of earning income as a writer. My days are full as a wife, mom and grandmother. There is no such thing as sacrifice to God, but boy does ego love it.
In 2010, I lost so much sleep trying to earn an income writing at night while my other roles slept that I developed sleep loss psychosis and had to apply for assistance. How ironic is that? Seven years later, the smallest amount of sleep interruption can take me back there, and I start thinking of ways to forget the body for good. I start thinking of stocking pills, or driving off cliffs, or extreme sports etc. I start watching documentaries on legal euthanasia.
And then I get a good, uninterrupted sleep and the suicidal thoughts go away. I know this is the pattern, so I don’t take action on the thoughts. And I also know that the quality of my writing is out of this world, and one day I will be financially compensated accordingly.